Making love, or attempting to do so, can be frustrating. This is an area where everyone has wrestled with his or her internal critic. Perhaps your critic intensified the anxiety you felt prior to your first sexual experience. Maybe you encounter uncontrollable anxiety just before being with a new partner. Or, it might be the worry that your long term relationship has grown stale, and that the passion has left (except for occasional anniversaries and vacations).
Out of the weaknesses, insecurities, and fears that accompany repression, how do we reclaim our strength? Where does our confidence and competence reside?
These positive forces never left. They remain in each of us. We just have to unlock them, using patience, practice, and effort.
Competence and confidence will return when we become aware of the areas that need repair, consciously pay attention to those areas, and provide space for growth. For example, allow yourself a few moments to imagine a lush, colorful garden. Once you have the image clear in your mind, begin to look more closely at the garden, seeing portions of the garden that are in need of water, sunlight, and nutrition. Once you become aware of these problem areas, see yourself providing proper care and attention. Now imagine the garden looking even more beautiful and beginning to thrive as a result of your efforts.
Making love is supposed to be about giving and receiving pleasure. Lots of pleasure. If you disagree or feel jaded with this assertion, pause and reflect on what belief (or beliefs) within you have enabled such dead feelings to perpetuate. These are the areas of your garden that need attention. These beliefs must be healed or removed in order to allow you to live the life you deserve, and so you can share your unique sensual talents and gifts with your lover (or lovers).
Limiting beliefs and attitudes against sex and sexuality are largely to blame for the numerous sexual issues plaguing women, men, and relationships. Negative beliefs regarding sexuality often create psychological, emotional, and energetic blockages leading to anorgasmia in women, and premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction in men. The negative wheel creates unwanted stress in other areas of life. Fortunately, with a little education and experience, you can move past beliefs that keep holding you back from what you desire and deserve.
A Few Good Suggestions
On a daily basis, find opportunities to become more present and aware. You can turn almost anything into a meditation: 1) waking up early to gather your thoughts before you launch into your day, 2) going for a long run or swim, 3) enjoying and eating a healthy meal, 4) allowing yourself to expend energy on a fulfilling aspect of your job, or 5) finding a mantra to repeat inside your head when you find yourself distracted. The point is to adjust your focus, and let distractions slowly fall away. That is meditation in a nutshell. By allowing your focus to rest on one activity, we relinquish the illusion that we are in control.
The good news is, you can apply these principles to your lovemaking, becoming more present and aware. Through massage, breathing in synch with your partner, or taking time to tantalize your lover, you will find yourself immersed in your lovemaking experience.
Want a technique to help turn off your internal critic? Keep reading.
A Practice for Increasing Presence and Awareness (From Urban Shaman, by Serge Kahili King)
"Wherever you are, become aware of the colors in your environment, the whites, reds, oranges, yellows, greens, blues, violets, and blacks; then look at all the straight and curved lines you can see, the shapes of objects and the spaces between them. Next listen to all the sounds you can hear from all directions. And then feel the position of your hands and feet, your body as a whole, the sensation of your clothing and whatever you are touching, the movement of your breathing, and, as best you can, the energy in and around you. Finally, add other senses like taste and smell, if you wish, and let your attention roam among all your senses seeking more and more awareness of each. Do this for as long as you like during any kind of activity and decide for yourself whether it is worth following up on. Just remember that this kind of focus is a skill that can be developed. The present moment is a very rich field for experience and adventure."
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